Christian, Recommitted: Fears and Doubts

Last week, I spoke about my renewed commitment to Christ. Huge YAY, no regrets BUT…

I

am

nervous.

I have been wary of proclaiming my Christian stance for a few reasons that may not seem so unimaginable, but here they are:

1. Past mistakes

2. Spiritual views

3. My flaws

4. Watching fellow believers backslide

My Past

We all have this. My logical brain knows I am no unicorn here, but the past haunts.

I did not do it right. I caused pain. I embarrassed myself. I treated others and myself poorly.

All these things circle REGRET and SHAME.

I have worked extremely hard not to let these emotions hold me back. Because they have for most of my life.

Side note: I think what I struggled with the most in my church upbringing is the weight that was put on guilt, shame, and not living up to what is expected. And I am well aware that Jesus set the bar high, but he also has much compassion and knows we will fall short. My experience was that once seen as flawed, you’re damned, and there’s this self-loathing aspect to it. Once the status quo was broken, you were judged…harshly. All this to say, I didn’t know how to handle mistakes in life without throwing out the baby with the bathwater.

I am not advocating an unremorseful approach to mistakes. These emotions exist to help us self-correct, but left unchecked, they can keep us mired in either a woe-is-me mentality or an avoidance mechanism in which we toughen ourselves and show no remorse to protect ourselves from feeling the sting. Either of these behaviors encourages us to stay the same - it keeps us from facing our flaws and fixing them.

After years of struggle, my self-loathing has dissipated to a trickle. I have more love for myself than I have in the past because I had to choose to believe I wasn’t all bad - that I was redeemable, that I could still do something good even though my past is spotted (i.e., what Jesus did for us).

And even though I know all this, I still know someone may judge me.

Spiritual Views

I had a YouTube channel about spiritual awakening from a contemporary spiritual perspective (new age-y, I guess). Contemporary, new-age pop spirituality is very open to interpretation and mostly experiential. Some of the information was helpful, but much of it focused on acquiring spiritual gifts, which felt like playing a video game with endless side quests.

I only have so much time, and my attention needs to be on how to make an impact on the physical world. Ultimately, I found that studying Jesus’ teachings and having a relationship with the Holy Spirit is enough. My focus is on working on myself to become a better person for my family and fellow humans, and on creating something meaningful. Maybe in the future I will have time to pursue other knowledge, but I no longer feel the pressure to acquire gifts while also trying to reparent myself and homemake.

On the flip side, I do have a broader belief system than the typical Christian. I am not super superstitious, and I don’t subscribe to “everything is demonic.” Spiritual reality is its own science - the fabric of our reality is shaped by the unseen, and there is mystery there that Jesus didn’t flesh out, but was he meant to? I don’t know.

As Wes Huff says, “The bible tells us what we need to know, not necessarily what we want to know.” I think this is helpful and puts things into perspective. There is a mystery we can debate and wonder about without demonizing it. The Holy Spirit is with us for a reason - to guide us - and I believe we can trust in that as well.

My Flaws

I am flawed. I am not perfect, not close, and have never been.

This goes for everyone: despite proclaiming any certain faith, despite our best efforts, we are all still human, and we will continue to make mistakes.

Just because you choose a yardstick doesn’t make you the yardstick.

That doesn’t mean I am going to stop working on myself, trying to be better, or speaking up for what I believe is the truth. But I know that my flaws will be used against me and what I believe. And that is hard.

Watching Fellow Believers Backslide

I am afraid that after doing all this - recommitting to Christ, baptism, etc - I’ll never pick up my bible, never change who I am, just become a Sunday seat warmer, a performative Jesus follower.

We see it all the time: someone can rattle off dogma, but there is a gap between the words they say and how they live their life. And realistically, there will always be a gap, but I don’t want it to be a chasm.

I want the belief system I advocate to show its power through how I live, more than by what I say.

This will take investment, investigation, reflection, vulnerability, and, to come full circle, I will probably make a mistake. 

But I hope that for all of us trying to walk this path, we can have grace for whatever stage of life we are in and wherever we are in our learning.

ANYWAY….there it is. All the things.

I hope this made sense and maybe resonated with someone.

Sending so much love your way. Until next time!