Sick, Stuck, and Slowing Down
It’s 6:23 am as I am writing this.
This week has been a blessing and also a challenge.
Being pregnant, sick, and keeping a toddler occupied is not easy, and I definitely felt it these last few days, but it taught me a few things:
I am not in control, but I can control myself
We already know this to a great extent, but in my world, where I have a running to-do list in my head on top of parenting/bonding goals and emotional regulating, and my own personal aspirations, it can be hard to not to want to add more scheduling or, I guess, rigidity to life and honestly when I try to tighten my grip on things it makes life tougher. It makes me show up too hard, like stale bread. I have a constant prayer on my lips — “help me be the best mom to my daughter as I can be” and then “forgive me for fucking it up just now.” I get frustrated with my inconsistency, my constant ebbing, 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, but I know in the end, it will get easier, I will find my regulation, I will fuck it up, I will always say sorry and try again, and I will get better at it. And what’s more, if I can show my daughter what it means
Stuck doesn’t mean stop
I just opened a mail club called “The Little Light Post.” I am still so excited about it! But it didn’t take off as I so earnestly hoped it would - no one signed up, and although that doesn’t mean I am going to scrap it or that it’s not worth the effort, it did feel a little disappointing. But also, I can clearly see where it’s lacking marketing, and I don’t really have enough of my work posted to showcase - in short, it’s a work in progress. While I have been sick this week, I started visiting other artists, poets, and creators’ Instagram accounts, and I felt so much joy seeing this renaissance spring forth during these crazy times. But I know they all started somewhere, at different levels. It made me appreciate what it means to be ok with sucking for a while as I find my voice, and to keep answering the pinging in the heart to keep coming back to my paper and pen, my computer, these blank pages, and write - not from a frantic place but from a place of romanticism, almost. To have a love affair with my passion to express.
Sickness is a call to slow down
I know this to be true at the cornerstone of my being - Sickness happens when we need rest and perspective. I was focusing more on the aesthetic than on the actual content of what I wanted to present — I guess I was working from the outside in, instead of letting the heart of what I wanted to create shine through first. Both are important and have their place, but I was hesitant to write before I got sick, and now it has again occurred to me that it’s all I need to do. It’s complicated and heady. Partly because I don’t have uninterrupted time — I’m a mother and homemaker first and foremost, and I am still struggling with the belief that if I am not on a rigid schedule, I won’t get traffic or traction anywhere, but I am choosing to show up as often as I can and simply share my thought life with ya’ll and maybe comfort someone in the process.
That’s all for today, I think. Talk again soon! xo
