i don’t have the answers (and I’m ok with that)
I started a YouTube channel at the beginning of 2025. I was so stoked about it — I thought, finally, I am doing it! I had been daydreaming about starting a YouTube channel for a few years by then, but I was just too insecure to start. I didn’t think I was ready. I didn’t think I had anything to really offer or that anyone would really watch. But after years of stammering about it, I started it - I believed I could connect with people and maybe even offer a little help with what I had to share.
At first, it was easy — I knew what to talk about, I felt confident in what I was sharing, and I positioned myself as an authority figure. But after my first few videos, my ideas ran dry. I had a sinking feeling in my gut —intense dread about sitting in front of the camera. I didn’t feel like I had anything else to offer in terms of guidance or otherwise because I was still learning — learning about myself, questioning the spiritual community and religion as a whole — and I didn’t have any answers. I felt like a failure and wasn’t sure what the fuck happened — I felt disillusioned and lost. Nothing about what I was sharing was wrong; it was authentic, but positing myself as an authority cost me so much runway on what I could share, and I didn’t want to say things as truth if they were half-baked within me. It needed to be alive within me.
So I stopped. I stepped back. I asked God what to do.
One day, hanging out on YouTube, I stumbled upon a collage channel. It was love at first sight — I gravitated to it so quickly. I ordered supplies that instant and couldn’t wait to start creating. I always admired artists, and this seemed like a chance for me to explore something artsy. I even created a separate Instagram handle and posted a few creations just for fun. And suddenly felt a pang of sadness — I wanted my YouTube channel to spark that same joy for me, like creating a collage. But, per usual, life got busy, and I found myself creating more sporadically than ever.
Once things settled down after the holidays, I started exploring collage again and stumbled upon something else I didn’t expect.
Poetry.
I found a channel by a Poet Laureate, and something moved in me that had been dormant for ages.
All my life, I have loved words. I was brought to them by music and singing — my first true loves — melody and lyrics to me are magic and still are in my not-so-humble opinion. I credit my father with instilling in me a love of music and literature from an early age. From that foundation, I started writing for myself since middle school — journals and in books, wriitng notes in the margins, writing poems and songs. I admired other writers so much that I’d write my favorite passages and quotes in white-out on my bedroom walls. I loved how words could magnify small things, things we take for granted or would otherwise dismiss, to help me see the world around me more clearly, to remember what a miracle it is to be alive. And to keep that awe and wonder alive within me - it’s a selfish thing for me, 100%. Because the busyness of existence can sometimes make the world lose its color, and we need to take the time to paint it back on, or have someone do it for us. Maybe that’s why I do it. I write because it helps me to understand what it means to be human, and I think this is where creativity and spirituality intersect.
We talk about being “in flow” when we create, and I believe we are channeling God’s energy to produce something tangible in this world. We are born creators, whether we realize it or not, and a current runs through us when we create, connecting us to the spiritual realm—where we come from.
So, all this to say, I started a new channel.
Taking all that I have mentioned, I am approaching this from a more organic space — sharing my human/spiritual experience, anecdotes, memories, some chatty collage art, and some poetry readings. Underneath it all: a posture of curiosity rather than conclusion. Simply noticing and sharing.
I think the biggest takeaway from this experience is that life and spirituality go hand-in-hand — they aren’t separate existences. Furthermore, spirituality is more than just overcoming your flaws and shadow. It is that, but it’s also about doing things that spark joy and beauty, and building something you love. God is in all of it —creating and pruning, and in the everyday mundanity of life.
And I want people to feel that specialness in the everyday too. Anyway, that’s my hope for this channel.
All of this is messy, and I am trying to remain calm amid the chaos and keep moving forward in trust.
That’s all for now. Talk soon!
P.S.: The first video will be released on YouTube on July 4th. The channel is linked here and in my profile. If you want to check out my collection of work, head over to my website, linked here and in my profile.
Ty, and ily <3
