How
I have been struggling something.
I am a mother of a beautiful 3-year-old girl, and I am so grateful that God has sent her to me, and doubly blessed for the life growing within me now.
But I’ve also been trying to birth a different creation—a creative endeavor, a purpose-filled path, and a contribution that hasn’t yet taken flight.
Since 2018, I have been following my intuition - God’s clues as to what it is I am meant to do. And it’s changed - a lot.
From alternative medicine counselor to spiritual guide, and now writing and art.
After these years of experimentation, doubt has crept into my heart.
I have prayed and spoken to God in the quiet dark, asking for confirmation - asking over and over to show me what it is I am meant to do.
What do I get in response? A feeling of excitement and more ideas. 🙂.
I chide myself sometimes to keep faith; to believe and hold fast to the idea that following the call will take me where I am meant to go.
This is one aspect of my frustration.
The other is “how”.
How am I supposed to do the thing I am being called to do and do motherhood?
Right now, juggling motherhood, pregnancy, and trying to dedicate time to what I feel God is calling me toward has been frustrating to tears.
Uninterrupted, unfatigued time doesn’t exist, and yet I keep waiting for it to happen before I can string some words together or create anything.
I have felt resentful and frustrated with God, thinking this is all too much.
Then I stopped and thought, well, who is putting on this pressure? Is it God or me?
Maybe I do have it in my head that God is expecting me to do it all in a certain way. But is that true? Is it God?
Or is it me assuming things are supposed to function or flow a certain way? Am I expecting the wrong “how”?
God knows my obligations. He knows what needs to happen daily.
I know he’s not asking me to break. He is asking me to show up, just like any other aspect of life.
And, as with all other aspects of life, we need to be flexible.
I need to be flexible with my expectations. To maybe be ok with creating a little here and there - small compounding actions - instead of a strict set structure of productivity, something that I would never trust in the past. Or maybe just trust that my toddler will independently play while I sit and find focus.
In other words, maybe what I am being asked to do is just to be ready to work when I feel the call, and trust that whatever work I produce will be sufficient with whatever time I can put toward it. Maybe God has gifted motherhood to distill my time so I can create more than I would have otherwise.
Trust.
